西蒙·阿姆斯特尔：顺其自然

I've seen simon in Never Mind the Buzzclocks a few years ago. Back then there weren't so many videos on the Internet and I only vaguely remember him as the thin guy with the cute awkwardness.

It's not until my favourite blogger April recommended him that I find out this Do Nothing video on bilibili.I opened it up this morning and literally can't stop watching it. After the binge watching, I now offially announce that simon is my new favourite English cutie pie, the one before him was Mika the singer.

Anyway, the thing simon said about that the past is all your own story, you can't expect to change others and live in your ideal world happily ever after. The only thing you can change is yourself and your perspective on others. Totally on board with that.

I, too, is disabled humanbeing in social communication. There are always the uneasiness in me worrying about How to talk to others and appear normal to other. But I am still an introvert in the end. And I think I'm OK with that, even happy about it.

【写于2015年，从lofter搬过来】

一切开始于simon关于ben的那场著名暗恋，然而之前我一无所知，包括simon这个人。

看了一个八卦贴，说到他在自己的stand up show里说的那个喜欢的男演员就是Ben，一场各种心酸的暗恋，我只是出于好奇搜了他的show来看。

的确关于that actor的种种描述：瘦，病态美，脆弱，腼腆都非常符合Ben，然而本来只是追求八卦的我却因为看了这场show而喜欢上simon。

这一场do nothing，时刻充满着simon对人生哲学的思考，充斥着他真实生活的反映：不善交际，多虑，害怕被拒绝，许许多多的尴尬，却又有许许多多智慧的总结。看着他就像看着自己，我觉得他就是世界上的另一个我（甚至对于喜欢脆弱瘦削的人这一点我都觉得很像）。以致于这场秀引起太多的共鸣和感慨，就如同那个很有名的评论一样，你必须笑，否则会哭出来。因为太真实，太感同身受，那些尴尬和不安全都是自己经历过的。于是就像simon自嘲的说出来一般，自己只能自嘲地笑出来，否则怎么办呢。

后来还看了一个simon的采访，问他为什么能把这些让自己抑郁的事拿出来说，他说说出来是让自己释放的一个过程，然后就不那么抑郁了，而且观众听了会觉得好笑，那么也会少一些抑郁。

觉得能看到simon的show真好，会知道这个世界上有人跟自己一样经历着这些乱七八糟的情绪，但他却会让你感觉好一点，然后自己也会变得好一点。

印象深刻的有三个点，一个是Simon讲自己暗恋的演员的脆弱性如何被保护，而自己的脆弱性如何要求被克服：

And I think the difference between us, because I think we are both quiet and shy as children, but he retained that shyness, it makes him beautiful and sensitive and I decided that shyness is something to be overcome.

And I think it's our training. He went to a really good acting school in London where he sort of nourish his sensitivity, to nurture his vulnerability and that's what makes him a great actor. I went to a Saturday morning stage school in Essex where we were told, whether we were singing, dancing or acting, just do it loud.

二是他放下为自己讲述/编造的故事：

If there's nothing you can do about something, then you do nothing. And in that moment, the feeling of injustice, the frustration, it was lifted, it was gone. There was nothing to do. I realize I made it up. It was all a story. And it's the same with the past. You can't change the past, no need to heal it. It's only a story you've created, all you can do is let go of the story. You can't change yourself, all you can do is let go the story of who you are, let go of the character you've created from fear. You can't change other people, all you can do is let go of your limited perspectives of them.”

最后，跟Rent主题契合的一点，爱还是恐惧：

This stupid game based on fear that we play this hard to get game. Everything is a choice between fear and love. We may as well choose love because death is coming. This is about grabbing this moment from universe, without any judgement, without fear.

看Simon的stand-up comedy等同用笑话消解自己的伤痛。Simon单恋过Ben，相仿的瘦削和脆弱，于是戏称narcissism；我想，爱上Simon，我也是自恋狂。

但很大不同的一点是，好像从来没有这么直白地袒露自己，就算曾不遗余力地写下些什么东西，都通过抽象变得隐晦、疏离。接收到如此近似心声的表达令我猝不及防，向来视“自己”的一切那么偶然，厌弃任何以他验对我进行惯有的解释，便陷入了碎片的身份，却发现了替这份模糊感正名的另一位实实在在的人。

我理应是兴奋的，那些关于偶然的执拗信念，不经意流放的狡黠的审视，难以平衡的存在，都是真实的……

发现问题所在了吗，多悲哀呀，越是与异己的世界剥离，越是渴求异己的那一份证据，来肯定自己，认同自己，于是越发意识到孤独。其实也影影绰绰地感受到这个死循环了，只不过迄今最不缺的就是“期待”了。

刷豆瓣看饼哥标记想看立马找来看的，不能更好，越来越喜欢gay了怎么办！内容本身足够好，能感觉到他对很多问题有足够的思考和特别的理解，在形式上，段子的结构也很立体，有层次，有很多意想不到的延时呼应的部分，也有一个印象深刻的讲到一半插入别的话题讲很远最后又给拽回来的曲折的故事。最重要的是，所有的这些段子都里是有他自己的。不仅仅是逗观众哈哈一笑，他有更多想表达的东西。好笑又心酸。（之后又找了法国的脱口秀来看，是很有名的演员，前面很长一段是在调侃自己的婚姻生活，大概是结婚十五年妻子很 tough之类的，可以成功嵌套到每一个结婚很久的中年男人身上；还有一个Madame的表演，也不是很吸引我看下去的那种。我在想，虽然我很喜欢巴黎，但可能在文化心理上，我并不比较偏向它，相比较之下，法国人好像确实更政治更公共生活一点，比较不容易袒露内心，或者呈现为一个脆弱的个体，也想起在电影Amour里，主演的Madame是一位钢琴老师，因为手术失败身体部分瘫痪了，她业已成名的学生来看望他委婉地表达了他的同情，这让她非常不高兴。扯远了.... anyway，life is tough，and do nothing.